How to write a 5 minute number in 3 days

1. Pretend it's possible.
2. Find a premise.
3. Write with no regard to style, structure or spelling. 3 to 4 pages so you can cut it down to 2.
4. Go over everything once and see if anything funny comes up.
5. Take away all the ideas that make no sense or suck.
6. Change the order of things until it sort of sounds coherent.
7. Insert old jokes that fit the bill, but don't crowbar anything in.
8. Read it until you can punch at the right places.
9. Stop as soon as you'd rather puke than read it again.
10. Wait 24 hours. Read it again.
11. Stop procrastinating by writing a blog dumb-ass. This shit ain't going to write itself.

This is a blog

I'm sure you know this is a blog. As a comedy writer, I can really write the shit out of things, except for this. In the 90's most blogs were a lot like an online diary. We would write a little review here and there, we would go off on a topic, but a lot of times stuff like this happened. Where we couldn't see the difference between something we would write for ourselves and something we would write for others.

Are we supposed to sit down with an idea when we write a blog? Are we supposed to have an opinion, spell check the thing and go over it a bunch of times? Well, yes. This is why most people don't know I have a blog! Ha!

I do have a whattoexpect blog which deals with pregnancy and mommy issues which is, paycheck obliges, way more coherent, so I guess I can always make people read that. Thing is, after awhile, you start to write on a topic just to not lose your blog job that month and the 20$ that goes with it. So at least this amalgame of poorly-thought out words and we-don't-give-a-shit topics is much less empty.

When I write a comedy routine (guess what I'm supposed to be doing right now), a movie or a television show I write for emotion. And rhythm. And I want to find those moments of truth where people can recognize themselves, each other or simply nod their head in approval.

So I guess I am not only telling you my blog is poorly written but I am also telling you that the off-the-cuff nature of it might, just might make you feel something or relate to me in some way, which, now that I think of it, is totally fucking conceited and probably untrue considering I haven't written that many blogs.

Shit.

So maybe I should just take a break, go make tomorrow's lunch (tuna casserole, the rugrats have asked for) and count the hours until I have my individual meeting with my director who doesn't super like me and to whom I have to bring a new completed comedy routine I have grabbed out of thin air...

Nanowrimo has kicked off!

And yes, I'm right in the middle of it. Since we don't have to create new numbers every Friday and some of the teachers are slacking on homework, I am using my breaks to write my new book.

I'm not saying I'm going to finish it or that I wouldn't drop it as the first sign of trouble, but right now I need this. I need to train myself to write all the time. And if I'm already sitting down writing, I can always procrastinate by either working on my novel or by working on my homework. It's the perfect fit.

I'm going to write all night Wednesday at a second cup downtown with other wrimos. It'll be great since I'm usually at home trying to write all night (Thursday is an insane day at school)...

I'm about 4 thousand words in, which translates to 15 pages. I find that pretty good, since I've only had two days to work on this. Can I bust 10 thousand words at the write in? Enquiring minds want to know!

On another note, I think I'm going to write a monologue about listening to song lyrics. I don't get it. If one more couple chooses 'every breath you take' as a romantic song to have at your wedding I'm going to hurl.

What to expect when you're expecting

I know what to expect when you're expecting. I've had three kids, and I am pretty funny, so I am a good person to be blogging about parenting, babies and expecting on whattoexpect.com. The problem? I get paid to do it so for some reason, I do it less. I am calling my own self out right now as a reminder that I only have to post twice a month, we are the 30th and I haven't done it yet.

How dumb is that?

You think this will happen when writing stand-up comedy and television shows?

Maybe if I think about all the homework I have to do for tomorrow, I'll get my baby blog on?