Artists are so emo. Please shoot me.

"Can't stay on your life support, there's a shortage in the switch, I can't stay on your morphine, it's making me itch, I say I'm trying to call the nurse again, but she's being a little bitch, I think I'll get out of here." Pink

Looks like I really identify with this song, because I've just re-heard it after some years and I am so all up in it. Wow! I must be emo right now. Because it's totally resonating, and we all know anyone in the arts has a mental problem, so just shut the fuck up.

I really need divine intervention. The flying spaghetti monster must deliver me a potent number for Friday, and also, if it's not too much, a fucking job for my husband because although I am considering fucking around to take care of womanly needs, I definitely don't want to divorce him, since he is still fucking there and I love him as part of my family. On a wink, wink, unrelated note, anyone know a doctor that can help him with e.d...

I'm at that point where I am creatively a little dead, I am gaining weight and I am so afraid of everything. Although, if you read my leopard post you know I secretly all of a sudden have ambition and know I will kick some sort of ass.

Anyway, I will go back to this number shit and please have a good thought it your heart for me, my debts, my kids teachers, and my mind so it won't forget it needs to do tons of random things I won't remember it anyway.

Can a leopard change its spots?

It's the age old question, the one right after the fucking chicken and the fucking egg. It's the question I ask myself a version of everyday.

Everyone who makes it in life, not just people at the top but at different echelons of making it, seem to have a combo of 3 things, talent, an iron drive, and luck. To have a drive, I feel most of the time that you have to believe things are possible. You have to push to get them.

Now I always knew I could only amount to a scared girl that is unsure about her potential and that waits around for someone smarter to tell her what to do so she can be alright.

But then I grew up. Life gave me my first son, and I say life because he was planned against and I got him anyway, and then I had a husband who's a very nice man who absolutely cannot be counted on for financial support or understanding of the arts, and then 2 more kids to count on me.

And during this my little phone answering career gave me an idea of how the world works. I figured out I had ethics, I had smarts and a sense of logic that a lot of people don't have and I can lead where I was convinced I was a perpetual follower.

Now, how did this lead me to comedian school? It's a long story.

I just want to know if people can sort of grow ambition later on? Because I sort of feel a little tickling in my brain that seems to have the potential to be ambition. Can we come out of our cocoon something completely different, or do we, even though we evolve, always follow some sort of logical path?

More on this convoluted mess later. When a baby is not crying.

2010 bitches!

Alright, 2010 has come and this year... in a couple of days I will be 32. That means that I will be almost 42 next time a decade rolls around. I will have an almost 19 year-old son. Ouch! I know I've had three kids this last decade, but I still feel 22, and now I can't ignore how much time is running away from me.

I wish for myself so many things for these next ten years. Having more quality time with the kids, being financially stable, being more than financially stable, keeping my marriage together, having writing jobs, doing my own stand-up comedy, putting shows together for female stand-up comics, writing movies and a television shows, getting some decent sleep.

School has started up again and I am not as revved-up as I should be. I feel like I often do. Like I want to put on the breaks, like I want time to stand still. Like if I sleep and get stuff done I will wake up in 5 years not knowing how I got there.

My husband feels the same way with work. He doesn't want to start working because he's afraid that he'll wake up when he's 65 and it'll all be done. It kills me that I know how he feels because it makes it hard for me to push him. I do. I push him a lot, but I just want for us to be okay, and I'm not sure he's okay when he's working. Although I don't feel that okay when I'm working either.

Sometimes I feel like I'm jumping off a building everyday I get closer to the new life I'm trying to make for myself. I find myself praying, even though I'm not sure if there is a God. I'm sure people who make it take risks. They have plans. They 'go for it'. They don't put in a half-assed job and hope things work. And when they stumble onto something that works, like my dad did, they ride it out and do the absolute best they can and great stuff can come of it. My dad changed the cultural landscape of Québec because he kept trying and kept his eyes and ears open to what was happening in his life and around him.

So why am I up this late when I finally have time to get things done? I want to eradicate fear in my life. I want to live like I care about myself without playing it so safe I end up sabotaging everything that could be.

Will this year be the catalyst I need it to be, or will put on the breaks despite of my desire not to?

Stay tuned...

I fell on my face but I'm not bleeding

So yesterday I had a Friday. We're working on our numbers for the show. I don't know what happened but I could not have cared less. Nothing was coming out. Not one line! My friend had to feed me almost every single one.

It was like the dress rehearsals for our ballet shows where stuff went so wrong that we thought things would never work.

I came away from it with a sort of certainty that it wouldn't ever happen again. I'm going to work on my text today, and it will be the final version (I have decided) and I will learn it and know it by heart this Monday for my individual meeting. There's no other option.

You know what else I have to do this week? I have to write a funny song and perform it in front of people. I have to make up a game. A board game. That we can play. This is a group thing too so we have to all get together and not only make it great but do the arts and crafts that goes with it.

Soon I have to do a 4 minute spoof on a television show which will be SO FUN! Except for:

We have our show on the 11th and 12th of December. I need to get passports in order. Make sure I pay bills. Go to my parent-teacher meetings. Keep money aside for Disney World (see how I shouldn't be complaining. I get to bring my kids to DISNEY WORLD! HOW COOL IS THAT????). I have to shift bank accounts around and cancel some stuff and do paperwork at my old job. I have to be a mother and take care of my kids because they're my entire reason for being and wanting to get better and working my ass off. I need to find time to exercise because I feel horrible. I need to cook all the time to have healthy stuff to eat. I need to keep my eyes and ears open for projects and I also need to take care of the house but I do some everyday and it's not enough and just the fact that my husband thinks that should be my priority above all else (that and making him food) is enough to make me not wanna make it a priority.

And thank god my sister Sarah comes over to help, or I would never see her and she's my best friend. I don't see my sister Karine at all (we both have no time) and I no longer have any friends. I don't even get to hang out with my parents and when I do all I do is complain, I feel. Yes, home is where you can say what's on your mind or vent, but why the hell would they want to see me or my family if I can't be okay for 2 seconds?

I need to be impressive in school if I ever want to work. It's got to be number 2 behind my kids, and sometimes number 1, 'cause that's who I am doing it for.

I don't think I'll be doing another English show before Christmas... But maybe I can finish my novel? Haha!

Guess what I'm supposed to be doing?

How do I work in a group?

My favorite class should be exported into classrooms and offices everywhere. Creativity class blows my mind. If you want a taste, buy the book 'Thinkertoys' and you will start to get it. There are so many ways to get your creative juices flowing. Seemingly endless ways to find new ideas.

I can't stop gushing about it!

So why do I have trouble doing the homework? I feel like the class has given me a safety net. I know what to do if I need help to write. There seems to always be a way to get out of a funk. And just when you learn one way, another way reveals itself. So that's why I can't analise what I do wrong when, with these tools, I should be all good.

Today I figure out how I work in a group. But that's all relative. Everything is relative, and we have techniques to get things working for any group too. Am I just being lazy? Or have a really absorbed what I am supposed to have to?