I fell on my face but I'm not bleeding

So yesterday I had a Friday. We're working on our numbers for the show. I don't know what happened but I could not have cared less. Nothing was coming out. Not one line! My friend had to feed me almost every single one.

It was like the dress rehearsals for our ballet shows where stuff went so wrong that we thought things would never work.

I came away from it with a sort of certainty that it wouldn't ever happen again. I'm going to work on my text today, and it will be the final version (I have decided) and I will learn it and know it by heart this Monday for my individual meeting. There's no other option.

You know what else I have to do this week? I have to write a funny song and perform it in front of people. I have to make up a game. A board game. That we can play. This is a group thing too so we have to all get together and not only make it great but do the arts and crafts that goes with it.

Soon I have to do a 4 minute spoof on a television show which will be SO FUN! Except for:

We have our show on the 11th and 12th of December. I need to get passports in order. Make sure I pay bills. Go to my parent-teacher meetings. Keep money aside for Disney World (see how I shouldn't be complaining. I get to bring my kids to DISNEY WORLD! HOW COOL IS THAT????). I have to shift bank accounts around and cancel some stuff and do paperwork at my old job. I have to be a mother and take care of my kids because they're my entire reason for being and wanting to get better and working my ass off. I need to find time to exercise because I feel horrible. I need to cook all the time to have healthy stuff to eat. I need to keep my eyes and ears open for projects and I also need to take care of the house but I do some everyday and it's not enough and just the fact that my husband thinks that should be my priority above all else (that and making him food) is enough to make me not wanna make it a priority.

And thank god my sister Sarah comes over to help, or I would never see her and she's my best friend. I don't see my sister Karine at all (we both have no time) and I no longer have any friends. I don't even get to hang out with my parents and when I do all I do is complain, I feel. Yes, home is where you can say what's on your mind or vent, but why the hell would they want to see me or my family if I can't be okay for 2 seconds?

I need to be impressive in school if I ever want to work. It's got to be number 2 behind my kids, and sometimes number 1, 'cause that's who I am doing it for.

I don't think I'll be doing another English show before Christmas... But maybe I can finish my novel? Haha!

WAY LESS than a superhero

My tagline reads, more than a mom, less than a superhero. Right now I feel a lot less than a superhero.

I feel like crap, basically. I'm always annoyed when I feel bad because I have so much to be thankful for. Canadian thanksgiving was yesterday and although I usually bring up going around the table so everyone can verbalize what they're thankful for I didn't this year, I decided not to because it might sound untrue.

My kids are being a little bit ass-holey. I love them but they're not sleeping enough and are getting on each others nerves a lot. My daughter is absolutely awesome at 11 months, but she won't really sleep and keeps going up and down stairs, eating everything (loves earphones and shoes) and keeps falling while walking. She really needs tons of attention.

Last week was my 9th wedding anniversary. My husband has stopped work again, is very critical, and can't seem to understand I need support with school so going out for pizza with him (and paying) didn't feel too good.

I thought by 10 years of marriage he would have bought me a ring to replace the wedding ring I bought myself. I thought we'd have life plans. I thought he'd be less shy (really, you're never going to try oral sex?)

Basically, I am left with a reality in which I've grown by leaps and bounds and he still has trouble tying his shoes by himself. Won't hold down a job, won't talk about his feelings but still considers cooking, cleaning, doing the dishes, organizing, taking care of the kids and organizing their shit a woman's work. I'm living with a cliché. Exept he's not the stereotypical Mexican with short greasy hair and a beer belly, he's the second Mexican stereotype, with long greasy hair that doesn't have a beer belly, yet, but he's sure trying.

It's very hard to know for a fact that he's with me because it's easier, because I always figure things out, because I will do what needs to be done. He's not even really appreciative of being with me. He thinks I talk too much and I harsh his mellow, and he's not even a pot smoker.

Anyway, last Friday, those little performances we have to give in front of everyone, SUCKED! I was so bad. I had absolutely NO time to do all my classes' homework, work on my 5 minutes and learn it. I finished it Friday morning and tried to learn it and fail before the afternoon when I had to go on. I am so embarrassed. I didn't get booed or anything. There was funny stuff, but it was clearly underdeveloped and now I feel like everyone's looking at me to see if it was one bad week or if I will be that girl that can't hack it. Everyone knows I don't have time, but there's no other solution to my problem. If I don't have time, I can't get the perspective I need.

I asked one of our teachers what were the steps I could do to polish my text when I have no time and he couldn't answer me. He was like: GET OUT OF THE HOUSE!

But I can't. If my husband disappears at night because he had a 'hard day', where am I supposed to go. And if it takes half and hour by bus to get anywhere and I only have 30 minutes to write, that's not going to happen.

Because I should have left him. Scratch that: I did leave him. But he stayed muttering about hormonal women, and now he knows that I don't have the will to force him out of the house physically in front of the children.

So this week I'm doing a stand-up on him. I may as well laugh at it and keep things light.

Here's what I cut from the text so far (so the rest is funnier):

He's super Mexican. Not Super!Mexican like he's a superhero. I'm not sure if a Mexican superhero would work. He would go and save gringos in peril (as long as it wasn't during siesta) lost gringos in Mexico looking for bathrooms and beer (donde estan los sanitarios? Una cerveza mas, por favor). To fly, he would use the power of farts, because God knows he eats enough frijoles (refried beans). He would come down next to you using his sombrero as a parachute. Then give you a bottle of tequila to make you forget. Except it wouldn't work because Mexicans would not give up a bottle of tequila. Or go work for no pay. Unless they're in the states...

So what do you think?