My tagline reads, more than a mom, less than a superhero. Right now I feel a lot less than a superhero.
I feel like crap, basically. I'm always annoyed when I feel bad because I have so much to be thankful for. Canadian thanksgiving was yesterday and although I usually bring up going around the table so everyone can verbalize what they're thankful for I didn't this year, I decided not to because it might sound untrue.
My kids are being a little bit ass-holey. I love them but they're not sleeping enough and are getting on each others nerves a lot. My daughter is absolutely awesome at 11 months, but she won't really sleep and keeps going up and down stairs, eating everything (loves earphones and shoes) and keeps falling while walking. She really needs tons of attention.
Last week was my 9th wedding anniversary. My husband has stopped work again, is very critical, and can't seem to understand I need support with school so going out for pizza with him (and paying) didn't feel too good.
I thought by 10 years of marriage he would have bought me a ring to replace the wedding ring I bought myself. I thought we'd have life plans. I thought he'd be less shy (really, you're never going to try oral sex?)
Basically, I am left with a reality in which I've grown by leaps and bounds and he still has trouble tying his shoes by himself. Won't hold down a job, won't talk about his feelings but still considers cooking, cleaning, doing the dishes, organizing, taking care of the kids and organizing their shit a woman's work. I'm living with a cliché. Exept he's not the stereotypical Mexican with short greasy hair and a beer belly, he's the second Mexican stereotype, with long greasy hair that doesn't have a beer belly, yet, but he's sure trying.
It's very hard to know for a fact that he's with me because it's easier, because I always figure things out, because I will do what needs to be done. He's not even really appreciative of being with me. He thinks I talk too much and I harsh his mellow, and he's not even a pot smoker.
Anyway, last Friday, those little performances we have to give in front of everyone, SUCKED! I was so bad. I had absolutely NO time to do all my classes' homework, work on my 5 minutes and learn it. I finished it Friday morning and tried to learn it and fail before the afternoon when I had to go on. I am so embarrassed. I didn't get booed or anything. There was funny stuff, but it was clearly underdeveloped and now I feel like everyone's looking at me to see if it was one bad week or if I will be that girl that can't hack it. Everyone knows I don't have time, but there's no other solution to my problem. If I don't have time, I can't get the perspective I need.
I asked one of our teachers what were the steps I could do to polish my text when I have no time and he couldn't answer me. He was like: GET OUT OF THE HOUSE!
But I can't. If my husband disappears at night because he had a 'hard day', where am I supposed to go. And if it takes half and hour by bus to get anywhere and I only have 30 minutes to write, that's not going to happen.
Because I should have left him. Scratch that: I did leave him. But he stayed muttering about hormonal women, and now he knows that I don't have the will to force him out of the house physically in front of the children.
So this week I'm doing a stand-up on him. I may as well laugh at it and keep things light.
Here's what I cut from the text so far (so the rest is funnier):
He's super Mexican. Not Super!Mexican like he's a superhero. I'm not sure if a Mexican superhero would work. He would go and save gringos in peril (as long as it wasn't during siesta) lost gringos in Mexico looking for bathrooms and beer (donde estan los sanitarios? Una cerveza mas, por favor). To fly, he would use the power of farts, because God knows he eats enough frijoles (refried beans). He would come down next to you using his sombrero as a parachute. Then give you a bottle of tequila to make you forget. Except it wouldn't work because Mexicans would not give up a bottle of tequila. Or go work for no pay. Unless they're in the states...
So what do you think?
Damn Annie. Does he ever read your blog? I guess he doesn,t, cause how could he live with himself? This guy has no pride- none. It's just not fair, no one deserves such a raw deal. I really wish I could wave my magic wand and make him go away and you could have one less child to take care of and worry about.
RépondreEffacerYou are really resilient to the max cause you are able to stay there and even to laugh, I know I wouldn,t be able to handle it- and I know you know too. I'd be GONE, bye bye, I,d help the kids deal with it and stuff, but I just ain,t that strong, and I am not that selfless.
I have never met a mexican who is so insanely lazy. they don,t exist. Even the mean violent ones work. How can he show his face in the parent,s house? How does he live with himself?
I have to admit it's getting harder and harder to look him in the face. It had gotten better there for a while, when you were doing better together and hanging out with your neighbours and he was working (not a lot, but some at least). I could actually tolerate and actually smile around him. Now, I just want to throttle him. AHHHHHHH!
It's just so unrespectful on the entire line.
Before, I though he would leave eventually. Now I know he never, ever will. He gets away with too much- a house, children he only plays with and doesn,t educate, great food and activities, travelling each year for free, someone who supports his family financially, no chores, no bills, no work, no debt repayment of any kind, and a wife who still thinks he's worth keeping around even after all that... he's got in made.
I feel really strongly about all this cause I love you so much and you are my sister and my best friend growing up and I want the best for you and you are SO NOT GETTING ANYWHERE NEAR ever acceptable. How do I live with that without wanting to hurt him?
You've gotta understand, you dislike my husband every time he has done anything remotely not cool, imagine how I feel then. yish, not fun!
Anyways, I am venting here cause you sort of hinted that we could vent, so there it is. I wish it were all a bad dream and you could wake up and start over.
You said that when you met him you knew you would get married. . That,s true, well, you did. But does that mean you are condemned to unhappiness?
When I met my previous boyfriend, the chilean, I saw a photo of him on the wall in his room, and sort of "recognized" it. I felt that I was going to be with him for a long time. Turns out, no, the feeling didn,t last. I held on longer that I needed to because of those early feelings of being "home", and they turned out false.
Our gut feelings change- you don' have to be unhappy forever.
That being said, indeed, your guy will be a great source of comedy well into the future. the sun'll come out tomorrow indeed.
Love you to bits and pieces, hang in there.
Thanks for your reply to my October distress. I don't know where I am right now; all I know is I have neither the time nor the inclination to deal with it. I have to focus, focus, focus on school.
RépondreEffacerI don't spend time actively disliking Reidel for anything! I have had some pangs, but hello? You guys love each other and are solid. What else could I ask for for you?
I don't know what would be best for you. Should I stop talking about Rodrigo all together? He's still not a malicious guy and he really has no clue the extent of his making my life difficult. Or just don't think about it. I'll deal with it when I have time or if I absolutely have to. Till then, there is no forcing him to do anything, and there is no reasoning him and there are no words to make him leave. I don't have a friend named T-bone to kick his ass... Well, I do have a friend named T-bone that might kick his ass, but I'm not sure what that would do.
I am really okay appreciating what I have now and working towards something better. I am glad I've made mistakes blatant enough that you and Sarah can learn from them.
She's doing just great with Phil and you are doing well with Reidel it seems so let's just look on the bright side and all that...