This is a blog

I'm sure you know this is a blog. As a comedy writer, I can really write the shit out of things, except for this. In the 90's most blogs were a lot like an online diary. We would write a little review here and there, we would go off on a topic, but a lot of times stuff like this happened. Where we couldn't see the difference between something we would write for ourselves and something we would write for others.

Are we supposed to sit down with an idea when we write a blog? Are we supposed to have an opinion, spell check the thing and go over it a bunch of times? Well, yes. This is why most people don't know I have a blog! Ha!

I do have a whattoexpect blog which deals with pregnancy and mommy issues which is, paycheck obliges, way more coherent, so I guess I can always make people read that. Thing is, after awhile, you start to write on a topic just to not lose your blog job that month and the 20$ that goes with it. So at least this amalgame of poorly-thought out words and we-don't-give-a-shit topics is much less empty.

When I write a comedy routine (guess what I'm supposed to be doing right now), a movie or a television show I write for emotion. And rhythm. And I want to find those moments of truth where people can recognize themselves, each other or simply nod their head in approval.

So I guess I am not only telling you my blog is poorly written but I am also telling you that the off-the-cuff nature of it might, just might make you feel something or relate to me in some way, which, now that I think of it, is totally fucking conceited and probably untrue considering I haven't written that many blogs.

Shit.

So maybe I should just take a break, go make tomorrow's lunch (tuna casserole, the rugrats have asked for) and count the hours until I have my individual meeting with my director who doesn't super like me and to whom I have to bring a new completed comedy routine I have grabbed out of thin air...

2010 bitches!

Alright, 2010 has come and this year... in a couple of days I will be 32. That means that I will be almost 42 next time a decade rolls around. I will have an almost 19 year-old son. Ouch! I know I've had three kids this last decade, but I still feel 22, and now I can't ignore how much time is running away from me.

I wish for myself so many things for these next ten years. Having more quality time with the kids, being financially stable, being more than financially stable, keeping my marriage together, having writing jobs, doing my own stand-up comedy, putting shows together for female stand-up comics, writing movies and a television shows, getting some decent sleep.

School has started up again and I am not as revved-up as I should be. I feel like I often do. Like I want to put on the breaks, like I want time to stand still. Like if I sleep and get stuff done I will wake up in 5 years not knowing how I got there.

My husband feels the same way with work. He doesn't want to start working because he's afraid that he'll wake up when he's 65 and it'll all be done. It kills me that I know how he feels because it makes it hard for me to push him. I do. I push him a lot, but I just want for us to be okay, and I'm not sure he's okay when he's working. Although I don't feel that okay when I'm working either.

Sometimes I feel like I'm jumping off a building everyday I get closer to the new life I'm trying to make for myself. I find myself praying, even though I'm not sure if there is a God. I'm sure people who make it take risks. They have plans. They 'go for it'. They don't put in a half-assed job and hope things work. And when they stumble onto something that works, like my dad did, they ride it out and do the absolute best they can and great stuff can come of it. My dad changed the cultural landscape of Québec because he kept trying and kept his eyes and ears open to what was happening in his life and around him.

So why am I up this late when I finally have time to get things done? I want to eradicate fear in my life. I want to live like I care about myself without playing it so safe I end up sabotaging everything that could be.

Will this year be the catalyst I need it to be, or will put on the breaks despite of my desire not to?

Stay tuned...